Waiting for spring.

"LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE"

My legs barely hold all of my heart and soul.

Revisiting my "youth" today by listening to all the albums that remind me of that time in my life. My how things change. 

Turning Point - Discography

Thursday- Full Collapse

The Suicide File- Some Mistakes You Never Stop Paying For 

Stay Gold- Pills & Advice

The Smiths- Louder Than Bombs

Poison The Well- The Opposite Of December...

Panic - Dying For It

Modern Life Is War- My Love. My Way

Jawbreaker-Dear You

Inside Out- No Spiritual Surrender

Gorilla Biscuits - Start Today

The Get Up Kids- Something To Write Home About

Give Up the Ghost - We're Down 'til We're Underground

Embrace-S/T

Dag Nasty- Can I Say

Count Me Out- Permanent

Circa Survive - Juturna

Carry On- A Life Less Plagued 

Brand New - Deja Entendu

The list goes on.... 

New York I love you, but you're bringing me down...

So here I am again, good ol JFK airport in the Jet Blue terminal. The last time I was here was almost three months ago after Jesse and I came to celebrate Christmas and his 21st birthday. That was a trip I won't ever forget, for many reasons. Despite the unpleasantness that came bundled with traveling over the holiday season,it was a great experience. Although I love visiting Manhattan and Brooklyn I have easily come to the conclusion that I could never live here. Getting caught up in the hustle and bustle that is NYC is in no way appealing to me. I prefer a more relaxing, slower paced lifestyle. California suits me much better.

Today I have spent a lot of time pondering the past few months, and what's coming down the pipeline for me. I am so proud of myself for stomaching through some of the toughest situations I've ever been presented, and keeping my head up and a smile on my face. A lot of people close to me don't even know half the shit I've been through this year already. But to be honest, I like it that way. My struggles are my own to deal with. It's not that I can't or won't share them with the significant people in my life ...it's more that I prefer dealing with things myself first. Because let's be honest here, people come and go, and at the end of the day you have to be able to do shit on your own.

This is just a bunch of rambling resulting from hours of free time, which is something I'm not used to at all. Shortly after I board this plane I will be reunited with two, hopefully three, of the best ladies I know. Kayla,Ashley and Jaci. Each of them beautiful in their own way. Just knowing them has made me a better person, and I am looking forward to the ridiculousness that will commence in a few short hours.

Death Is Nothing At All.

"Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you; whatever we were to each other, that, we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used, put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we shared together. Let my name ever be the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well. "

Down In A Hole.....

The past three weeks have been utterly unpleasant to say the least. Especially with the culmination of events that happened last Tuesday morning. I am still in complete shock over what happened. Supposedly keeping busy is the best thing to do in wake of these situations, but that just makes me feel guilty and selfish, as I know there are people (such as my Grandma) who were more deeply affected.  It's hard to just push something like this out of your mind. However, I am very thankful that I have such wonderful people in my life to support me, and help keep my spirits up. It's funny being on the other side, because usually that is my role. Anyway, I guess what can be learned from all of this is how absolutely fragile and imperative each moment of each day is. I am making an conscious effort to revaluate, and reprioritize my life. I'm going to try and disconnect from petty, useless things that I use to fill up my time, and start doing and experiencing as much as possible. That's the only thing suitable, positive and rewarding thing for me to do in this circumstance

For what it's worth

Lately I've been realizing more and more that the only person I can fully trust and depend on is myself. To be honest, this scares me. As uncomfortable as it is to admit, it's true. But, this is not the type of person I want to be, skeptical and untrusting. I have gotten by just fine in the past being completely unwary, giving, and quite frankly a little naive. If growing up and gaining wisdom entails trading in my heart for one with a hardened shell, then I don't want it. 

On another less serious note, 2008 was overall satisfying. I suppose the biggest change for me was the start of my lab internship and the intense focus that I've been putting on my future scientific career. After two years of bullshitting around in community college I finally realized what it is that I want to do with my life. Well, for the most part I suppose. Some things are in the works still. As stressful as my life is at times, it's worth it, especially when I think of all the future opportunities I will have.

This summer I am going on a trip with my mom and sister to Italy and Greece. Although it's going to cost me a pretty penny, the experience is obviously worth it. I am really looking forward to spending time with them in the midst of such grandeur, and making remarkable memories that I will always carry with me. I feel horrible that I never get to see my family because of my currently rigorous schedule. This will be a nice way to get some quality time in though.

I'm off to work and then the gym. Life goes on...

I'm sorry if no one in the internet world wants to see this, but it makes me infinitely happy...

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

Let that lonely feelin' go.

The weather is finally starting to cool down, and I love it! Last weekend was one of the best times I've had in a while. On Friday night I went to Orlando to see the Henry Rollins "Recountdown Tour". Afterwards I got to meet him. Then on Saturday Jesse and I went to go see Chuck Ragan, Ben Nichols, Tim Barry, and Austin Lucas. Fuck. It was so amazing. Anyways, life is good. I started my new job last Monday, and I love it. I cannot wait for that first paycheck!

i can truly say that i've never felt as alone as i do right now, and the worst part is, it's all my fault.

Nothing sickens me more than thinking about how people maliciously mistreat each other. It's such a foreign concept to me. The lack of common decency in the majority of people my age is so disheartening. 

So Surreal

One of my childhood friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl today. I could never imagine myself in that position.

At least no t for a while anyway. I am infinitely happy for her though. It takes a exceptional woman to be a mother. I know

that I am fortunate to have a mother as selfless and devoted as mine. She has always encouraged me to follow my intuition, 

and pursue my ambitions. I can only hope to be half the woman she is.

The past few days I have been on edge. I know that the change in my attitude can solely be attributed to the amount of school work that I have to complete, specifically in my precalculus / trigonometry class. But, I have already told myself that I'm going to suck it up and deal with it. The pay off will be worth the 8+ hours of homework a week. Hopefully the people around me don't become frustrated with me for being so moody.

It's discouraging to be in this situation. I am usually pretty good at keeping my emotions under control while maintaining a positive outlook. Right now I am experiencing the exact opposite of this, and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. 

it was much simpler then...

i'll sleep when i'm dead...

i can already tell that this semester is going to be draining. currently i don't have a job so i am being very frugal, and as a result i'm not doing much of anything besides homework. i can't imagine right now what my life will be like once i start my new position. well, i do know that i'll be making more money, but will i have the time to actually enjoy myself? i hope so....

my moods are changing with the onset of fall, but that is typical i suppose. not that the weather is even changing yet, it's still disgustingly hot outside, but to me everything seems to be veiled in a hazy gray. boring. routine. day after day after day. wah wah wahhh

i do have plenty of things to look forward to though. when it's cooler i will instantly be reminded of last winter break and how i met a boy who makes me smile. we are going to nyc after christmas, and i can't wait. one of my main objectives while i'm there is to go ice skating. it seems pretty silly but i will enjoy watching jesse bust his ass.

there are a lot of things i miss, but mostly it is my best friend. she's home this week but i won't even be able to go see her. we really are growing up.

LOVE IS NOT A VICTORY MARCH

I'm listening to Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah on repeat. Something about this song makes my stomach spin almost as if I'm plummeting in a downward spiral on a roller coaster. The feeling is just as thrilling; no matter how uneasy I become I keep listening. One day I hope to create something that will penetrate a person's consciousness and invade their thoughts. Something that will make a person question what I was thinking or feeling at the moment of creation and cause them to think about moments in their own lives where they have felt similar emotions. You are not alone.

Who's gonna save my soul now?

"When was the last time you wanted to say it all to the right person? To have it all come out right, to surprise yourself at how together you could be. When was the last time you ever met someone who made you want to give it all to them? I mean give yourself to them. Where you couldn't express yourself enough - like you wanted to cut off one of your arms to beunderstood. That's it - you would cut your head off to have someone understand you. You know how pointless that one is. You know how many times you've smashed yourself to bits on the rocks."

i really need to slow down. sometimes i feel like i am just breezing through life not really concerning myself with anything, but i guess that's what summer is supposed to feel like. rest. relaxation. fun. when school starts i know that i will be wishing for the summertime again, so i might as well enjoy it. 

THIS IS WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF:

I MUST NOT LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT'S IMPORTANT

 I'm now much more motivated than I have been in a long time. I'm ready for more adventures.

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."