I'm sorry if no one in the internet world wants to see this, but it makes me infinitely happy...

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

Let that lonely feelin' go.

The weather is finally starting to cool down, and I love it! Last weekend was one of the best times I've had in a while. On Friday night I went to Orlando to see the Henry Rollins "Recountdown Tour". Afterwards I got to meet him. Then on Saturday Jesse and I went to go see Chuck Ragan, Ben Nichols, Tim Barry, and Austin Lucas. Fuck. It was so amazing. Anyways, life is good. I started my new job last Monday, and I love it. I cannot wait for that first paycheck!

i can truly say that i've never felt as alone as i do right now, and the worst part is, it's all my fault.

Nothing sickens me more than thinking about how people maliciously mistreat each other. It's such a foreign concept to me. The lack of common decency in the majority of people my age is so disheartening. 

So Surreal

One of my childhood friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl today. I could never imagine myself in that position.

At least no t for a while anyway. I am infinitely happy for her though. It takes a exceptional woman to be a mother. I know

that I am fortunate to have a mother as selfless and devoted as mine. She has always encouraged me to follow my intuition, 

and pursue my ambitions. I can only hope to be half the woman she is.

The past few days I have been on edge. I know that the change in my attitude can solely be attributed to the amount of school work that I have to complete, specifically in my precalculus / trigonometry class. But, I have already told myself that I'm going to suck it up and deal with it. The pay off will be worth the 8+ hours of homework a week. Hopefully the people around me don't become frustrated with me for being so moody.

It's discouraging to be in this situation. I am usually pretty good at keeping my emotions under control while maintaining a positive outlook. Right now I am experiencing the exact opposite of this, and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. 

it was much simpler then...

i'll sleep when i'm dead...

i can already tell that this semester is going to be draining. currently i don't have a job so i am being very frugal, and as a result i'm not doing much of anything besides homework. i can't imagine right now what my life will be like once i start my new position. well, i do know that i'll be making more money, but will i have the time to actually enjoy myself? i hope so....

my moods are changing with the onset of fall, but that is typical i suppose. not that the weather is even changing yet, it's still disgustingly hot outside, but to me everything seems to be veiled in a hazy gray. boring. routine. day after day after day. wah wah wahhh

i do have plenty of things to look forward to though. when it's cooler i will instantly be reminded of last winter break and how i met a boy who makes me smile. we are going to nyc after christmas, and i can't wait. one of my main objectives while i'm there is to go ice skating. it seems pretty silly but i will enjoy watching jesse bust his ass.

there are a lot of things i miss, but mostly it is my best friend. she's home this week but i won't even be able to go see her. we really are growing up.

LOVE IS NOT A VICTORY MARCH

I'm listening to Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah on repeat. Something about this song makes my stomach spin almost as if I'm plummeting in a downward spiral on a roller coaster. The feeling is just as thrilling; no matter how uneasy I become I keep listening. One day I hope to create something that will penetrate a person's consciousness and invade their thoughts. Something that will make a person question what I was thinking or feeling at the moment of creation and cause them to think about moments in their own lives where they have felt similar emotions. You are not alone.

Who's gonna save my soul now?

"When was the last time you wanted to say it all to the right person? To have it all come out right, to surprise yourself at how together you could be. When was the last time you ever met someone who made you want to give it all to them? I mean give yourself to them. Where you couldn't express yourself enough - like you wanted to cut off one of your arms to beunderstood. That's it - you would cut your head off to have someone understand you. You know how pointless that one is. You know how many times you've smashed yourself to bits on the rocks."

i really need to slow down. sometimes i feel like i am just breezing through life not really concerning myself with anything, but i guess that's what summer is supposed to feel like. rest. relaxation. fun. when school starts i know that i will be wishing for the summertime again, so i might as well enjoy it. 

THIS IS WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF:

I MUST NOT LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT'S IMPORTANT

 I'm now much more motivated than I have been in a long time. I'm ready for more adventures.

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."

Killing Yourself to Live

I just finished this book on my way home from Seattle. The author takes a journey across the country for two weeks to gain insight on death, and the glorification that arises when someone famous dies. Coincidentally, the book ended when the author was on his way home from Seattle at the Sea-Tac airport which was kind of eerie seeing as how that's where I was also. But anyway, my trip was a breath of fresh air. Saturday was the best day I've had in a long time. The weather was perfect. Jess, Kayla and I spent around 7 hours walking all over the city and stuffing ourselves with ice cream. We walked through Pike Place Market which was overflowing with fresh flowers and produce. I've never seen anything like it. Here are some pictures from our adventure...

Seattle, WA

I have to be up in three hours to leave for the airport. This weekend is going to be such a great time. I'm excited to see my best friend. Recently I have concluded that something is just not right with my life, but it's really difficult to place where these emotions are coming from, especially since I have great things going for me. Hopefully on this trip I can clear my head and get my priorities and thoughts in order. But there is the chance that I will be so busy and caught up in everything going on around me that I won't even get a second to think about anything else. While I was driving the other day I was thinking about how at home I feel when I'm not at home. My happiest moments are when I am traveling. So on that note, I leave in a few hours to go to Seattle..... Good night.

sometimes when i can't sleep i take deep breaths and count them. if that doesn't work i usually turn on a nature show. something about the images are soothing. if i listen to music my mind will focus on the lyrics and i recite them in my head. that keeps me up. i guess this is my last resort, and it's not even that late, which is sad. why is it that you think about all of the things you try to avoid when you are laying in bed at night. the overflowing of deep depressing thoughts this time of the night makes going to sleep my least favorite event. at least when i'm by myself. but as soon as my eyes get tired from the computer screen all these thoughts will pass.

tomorrow is going to be a great day, so maybe i should think about that. if all goes as planned kayla and i will be hitting the beach in our favorite secluded spot. i can't wait.

where has time gone? i'm not sure. it's been months since i have had a second to myself. i'm still trying to figure out if that is a bad thing or not. right now i am perfectly comfortable with how things are and where i am at... but that is what frightens me the most. i can recall a time of uncertainty when i would constantly be thinking about my next move, but now for the most part things are pretty stagnant. good, but stagnant. i think with trying so hard to ensure the happiness of someone else i have neglected myself and my needs.it's not that i am a very needy person, but sometimes you just need time to yourself to reflect on things, and i have been to preoccupied lately to do that. i think that might be why time has accelerated so much.. because i haven't taken moments out of my day to sit and think about my life.i'm going to make an effort to do this more often.

happiness

Hello 2008

So, I finally found some spare time to update this thing.


The past month has been incredibly amazing. I hit it off with someone completely unexpected. We've been hanging out practically everyday, and I'm really enjoying it. In the past few years, I have never been in a situation like this. For some reason, I wrapped myself up in guys and relationships miles away. I think part of it may have been fear of a true relationship. It seemed easier to keep people at a distance (literally) so that I wouldn''t let myself become so vulnerable. But now, for some reason, that thought hasn't even crossed my mind. Everything just feels right.It's perfect.