i can truly say that i've never felt as alone as i do right now, and the worst part is, it's all my fault.

Nothing sickens me more than thinking about how people maliciously mistreat each other. It's such a foreign concept to me. The lack of common decency in the majority of people my age is so disheartening. 

So Surreal

One of my childhood friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl today. I could never imagine myself in that position.

At least no t for a while anyway. I am infinitely happy for her though. It takes a exceptional woman to be a mother. I know

that I am fortunate to have a mother as selfless and devoted as mine. She has always encouraged me to follow my intuition, 

and pursue my ambitions. I can only hope to be half the woman she is.

The past few days I have been on edge. I know that the change in my attitude can solely be attributed to the amount of school work that I have to complete, specifically in my precalculus / trigonometry class. But, I have already told myself that I'm going to suck it up and deal with it. The pay off will be worth the 8+ hours of homework a week. Hopefully the people around me don't become frustrated with me for being so moody.

It's discouraging to be in this situation. I am usually pretty good at keeping my emotions under control while maintaining a positive outlook. Right now I am experiencing the exact opposite of this, and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. 

it was much simpler then...

i'll sleep when i'm dead...

i can already tell that this semester is going to be draining. currently i don't have a job so i am being very frugal, and as a result i'm not doing much of anything besides homework. i can't imagine right now what my life will be like once i start my new position. well, i do know that i'll be making more money, but will i have the time to actually enjoy myself? i hope so....

my moods are changing with the onset of fall, but that is typical i suppose. not that the weather is even changing yet, it's still disgustingly hot outside, but to me everything seems to be veiled in a hazy gray. boring. routine. day after day after day. wah wah wahhh

i do have plenty of things to look forward to though. when it's cooler i will instantly be reminded of last winter break and how i met a boy who makes me smile. we are going to nyc after christmas, and i can't wait. one of my main objectives while i'm there is to go ice skating. it seems pretty silly but i will enjoy watching jesse bust his ass.

there are a lot of things i miss, but mostly it is my best friend. she's home this week but i won't even be able to go see her. we really are growing up.

LOVE IS NOT A VICTORY MARCH

I'm listening to Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah on repeat. Something about this song makes my stomach spin almost as if I'm plummeting in a downward spiral on a roller coaster. The feeling is just as thrilling; no matter how uneasy I become I keep listening. One day I hope to create something that will penetrate a person's consciousness and invade their thoughts. Something that will make a person question what I was thinking or feeling at the moment of creation and cause them to think about moments in their own lives where they have felt similar emotions. You are not alone.

Who's gonna save my soul now?

"When was the last time you wanted to say it all to the right person? To have it all come out right, to surprise yourself at how together you could be. When was the last time you ever met someone who made you want to give it all to them? I mean give yourself to them. Where you couldn't express yourself enough - like you wanted to cut off one of your arms to beunderstood. That's it - you would cut your head off to have someone understand you. You know how pointless that one is. You know how many times you've smashed yourself to bits on the rocks."